:: Are all men incorrigible? ::

Just as I thought he has stopped bugging me, I was way off the mark. I’ve deleted him off of my contact list and he’s no longer on my messenger list but somehow he could see me online. I’ve put him on stealth before I deleted him off. Yahoo goes bonkers I suppose.

He said ‘hi’ and I tried not to be rude since its Ramadhan, I replied. I shouldn’t have, but I did.

I hardly get mad. Hardly. The only thing that could (I think) tick me off is the influx of idiots on the road.

Ok back to the story…

I knew this guy thru FB (not a surprise) he’s a friend of a friend. Being married with three kids I suppose he’s safe but it did not stun me that he’s been a little off of being flirty. I have numerous vague picture of me on FB. I don’t share my face with strangers, mom forbids :D. And chat friends to me are considered strangers. But I’d be lying if I say I do not share at all… I do share with some friends, over time. Meaning, you gotta let me know you better for me to share my face. And that’s my prerogative I believe? And this guy eternally asked me every single day since the day he got my digits. Each time we had a communication he will ask for my picture. After so much asking, being a baik-hati (more like getting bored of being asked the same friggin question), I succumbed. I shared him one clear picture of me on my cousin’s wedding day. I thought he’d stop yaking ma tail, but I thought it wrong. He asked for more. When I refused, he accused me of lying. He claimed that it wasn’t my picture I gave him. It was someone else’s. That accusation of his really pissed me off. Hence, I stop talking to him, besides, he’s already married why would I wanna be bothered by such nuisance. He questioned my sincerity. Now who is not being straight here? Me or him. If he is genuine and sincere he wouldn’t even be asking for my picture. He wouldn’t care how I look like now would he?

But my mistake probably I did not delete him off of my list yet, I just ignored him. Cuppla weeks ago he commented on my stats message on FB. I couldn’t remember what, but it made, well sorta… bagi jalan for him to ask for my picture (AGAIN!!!!).

You know what I did? I publicly said to him that I was sorry I couldn’t reply to his calls ciz I ran outta credits. Obviously I was lying but he gave me no choice. That comment of mine on my page has made him sent a private message asking me to delete off my public comment. I replied again on my page asking him to have the conversation publicly and stop sending me private messages, to which his reply was “I shouldn’t be contacting you right?”

Alhamdulillah! He finally got the message.

But that was many few weeks ago. Yesterday he said ‘hi’ and wished happy Ramadhan. I replied, “Happy Ramadhan to you too”.

Guess wot? It did not end there. He continued with “where’s your picture, you promised to send me pictures of you?”

Good God!!!! A re-run. Not again!!! Are all men this incorrigible?

Ummm… never mind! Don’t answer that…

:: What Merdeka Really Means To Me ::

Sara Alyssa 1 day old

As Malaysians commemorating our independence day on 31st August every year, I would be celebrating the birth of Sara Alyssa. She was born on the 31st August 2005 as Malaysia was celebrating its 48th Merdeka Day. Merdeka to me is more than a public holiday and parades galore.

After encountered many hurdles during the 9 ½ weeks carrying Alyssa, after ‘playing’ police-and-thief with my ex-hubby around the globe, after so much complications giving birth, I finally have myself a beautiful baby girl.

I could still recall the first time when the doc confirmed that I was pregnant. It’s running like a blu-ray DVD at the back of my mind. Having irregular menses since teenie, I din know that I was actually on my 12th week pregnancy. I din experience those morning sickness at all, therefore, I did not know that I was about to give birth in the next 28 weeks. After the doc declared, the morning sickness played its role. The only food that I could eat was tom-yam then. Bee Hoon Tom Yam to be exact. That's the only food I could consume for about months.

The first time Alyssa moved in my tummy, the night before that, I helped 3 kittens that I found in the drain in my parents backyard. I bathed ‘em and gave ‘em milk. And that very night while I was lying on my bed I felt subtle movements made by her. I cried. For the first time after 5 months of pregnancy, I cried thinking of her future with my 'condition'.

It was about 2 months off after the separation, my ex found out that I was pregnant and he started to call and ask me to get back together. I was so obstinate with my decision. He started to visit me, I started to get suffocated. I had to run away from him. I flew far in hope that he could not come and see me. I stayed with my baby bro Rudy in San Fran for months thought that I could evade from my ex. But he managed to track me down. When I knew that he's in town, I flew 2700 miles to a friend’s house with the help of my good friend William. William had been very patient accompanying me across the states. I'm very grateful for I have a lot of caring friends. Unfortunately, my ex hubby knows most of my friends (morale of the story: don't let your husband know with whom u befriended with), and unfortunately for me too, he managed to trace me. With so much paksa-ing and pujuk-ing… too many tears… I ran away again. This time I ran to another continent, the place where he wasn’t familiar with and the place where I was definite then that he has no one he knows. I wouldn't want to go to details about this now and you guys wouldn't want to know it either.

Simultaneously on this day, the national flag raising, campaign begins throughout the country, on 2005, I was admitted to one of the private hospital in Kuantan. I gave birth in Malaysia, yes. I was on my 35 weeks of pregnancy when my parents came to the rescue. Luckily, my bulging tummy didn't show much, or else I would have been banned from boarding the plane now wouldn't I? A week after landed, I started to have mild contractions. Everything was a first-time for me, but reading helps a lot.

I din have much problem during my 1st and 2nd trimester of the pregnancy but as the tummy grows I suffered from bad back-ache. Sleepless nights and I actually slept while I was sitting. Incredible. I couldn't lie down as I feel like the baby was pressing my rib-cage and I got even harder to breathe.

At around 3am 31st August 2004 I was around 36-37 weeks of pregnancy, I felt something coming out of my birth canal. I knew it was the sign. Woke my parents up and we swooshed off to the hospital. I was given epidural for the pain after I was given a breathing gas. The pain was terrible. I wept. Alyssa hasn't shown any sign of wanting to come out. There was one very conservative midwife who was on shift that night. She asked of my husband where-abouts. My mom had to tell her that she won't be seeing me with one.

It was 6.30 am. I was still in pain. The vagina dilated only about 3-4cm. I heard the doctor's voice outside the labor room. Clearly he said to my parents, 'we have no choice but to do a C-Sec, as the amniotic fluid is drying up and the fear of other complication'. He came in and read me the procedures. My mom was there and since she was a nurse she helped in calming me down. I wasn't panic or anything. I just wanted the pain to go away.

He said that I will be put to spinal block. An Anaesthesiologist will be right beside me. I will be awake thru out the whole procedure and lil I know, I would be holding my baby. I said yes to it.

I had to sit forward while they put the epi in my spine. The middy kept me calmed while i hugged a pillow and she talked me through the whole thing and told me the different sensations I would feel. It did hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. I’d say more uncomfy like a normal needle but hurt a bit more (don't know what it looked like... could not see.) As I said, it wasn't painful, but I guess I have high tolerance in pain.

The doctors had communications with me throughout the procedure. It was the longest 2-hour session in my whole entire life. At 8.10am, I heard the doc said 'She's out' and seconds later I heard Alyssa's voice crying out loud. Very loud. The middy showed her to me and brought her closer so that I could kiss her. There wasn't any blood or anything except that this whitish fluid covered her. It was the happiest moment in my life.

After the whole thing has completed, I could hold Alyssa for the first time. She was soooooo tiny to my touch. 2.75kg. I could never be any happier looking at the baby who has been with me for 36 weeks in my tummy and now she's in my arms. With her, I have gone through a lot being a single mom. But I have never regretted a single second of it.

Happy 4th Birthday Sha!! With you around, I know the real meaning of MERDEKA.

:: I'm all that ::

I’m at home, tapping on this lappy of mine with a very upsetting broadband connection. Obviously I’m not working today as I’m on medical leave. I got diarrhoea yesterday morning after Fajr. But I held on to my fast until the call of azan at 7.16 p.m. What I didn’t keep in mind was that, diarrhoea causes dehydration, insufficient fluids in the body and my ‘mistake’ was I kept on fasting. That caused me fatigue, low in energy, cold hands and feet, plus I felt like vomiting but nothing came out,I felt like I was having a massive wind in my tummy. It ended up me having fever. The doctor did ask why I went on with my puasa when I was losing so much mineral. And my answer was, I don’t know. Truthfully, I have been fasting since I can remember. I like fasting I suppose and fasting to me is like eating Ice Kacang. Starting with Rejab followed by Syaaban, I been fasting and this practice normally ends in Syawal. I too fast on occasional dates. I even fast when my lunchmate says that she’s gonna fast the next day. Its running in my vein I reckon. As I told Sir Pok Deng, its a hard habit to break. I think I’m paying the price for neglecting my health here.

So here I am, on my bed, contentedly watching YouTube. And I have tears on my eyes watching Connie Talbot a 6 year old toddler amazingly singing ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’. She is toothlessly super cute. With mind-blowing talent. I gotta finish this. I’ll be back when I have something brilliant to talk about. I cant think of any at the mo.

:: It doesnt Interest Me ::

Aighty, this is not my piece of work I gotta be honest. I been keeping this for many years for some unknown reason. Okay lah, I been keeping this ciz its utterly beautiful, ya happy now?

The writer of this magnum opus was Oriah Mountain Dreamer (go ahead, google her out, you know you want to :P). This prose-poem was presented by my first year classmate Sharon back in Kent when we had our community outreach programme. Sharon told me that she heard this in a sermon from the very famous church in Canterbury.

Upon hearing this poem I was awe-struck. Ms. Dreamer wrote this back in 1994 after she went to a party, and after all the ritual questions were asked while mingling around, she came up with this masterpiece. Regardless where I got it from, what INTEREST me the most is the content of it. It is called 'The Invitation'. Enjoy your reading chickadees:


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.

And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

I doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

:: Completely Incomplete ::

It has been two weeks since my last post. I’ve been going back and forth between posting something or just fading into oblivion not-with-a-bang-but-with-a-whimper style. I’m not ready to quit this just yet. Conversely, I think it is safe to say that I’m only going to be posting sporadically from here on out.

Here is the honest-to-goodness truth. I alternate between contentment with my life, my career, my place and my independence and overwhelming sadness because I want more, because I’m lonely, because I’m worried that this is all there is. If I didn’t know better (and if I didn’t recognize that my problems are far from the serious trials of the mentally ill), I’d think I was bipolar. In all honesty, mine is just run-of-the-mill disappointment in myself and with my priorities. Life is tiring and I tend to walk around dragging self-loathing sadness and bitterness along with me. Pathetic innit?

This feeling is hardly unique. I had a “what if this is the best I ever do?” conversation with a good friend and former colleague I envy for her put-togetherness recently and she has the same basic fears over different things. And just when I think being lonely and depressed is all I’ll be able to muster, something amazing happens and I look up and realize that, hell, if this is as good as it gets – eating soup and sweets and drinking Apple Asam Boi and watching DVDs with Alyssa on a cold, cold night – then I’m damn lucky indeed.

During all of this going back and forth between contentment and disappointment, two big things happened: My best friend got married to a wonderful man last June and my other best friend’s husband was asking about me. (Ain’t gonna elaborate about this today).

A few nights before the wedding, I sat with her on my patio and she told me flat out – in a loving way – that I worked too much, that I don’t let people in and that I busy myself with so many other things that I’ll never slow down long enough to get into a relationship. If being in a relationship is what I want, she told me, something has gotta change about my lifestyle and priorities. I told her later that I wanted to get my life together and become someone who would be a suitable mate, and she then corrected me – I am a suitable mate already, I’m just not putting myself out there, she said. I know she was just being sweet. And that unconditional sweetness from someone who knows more of my flaws than anyone is why I love her and why she’s one of my best friends.

My point? I don’t blog often as I want to was because I don’t want to have an excuse or reason wallow in all of this anymore. I could see where I was headed and the intersection of 30 going on 31 and a busy holiday season should be a place where I seek joy and not where I gather each little anecdote into a larger story about how, yes, Malaysia, I’m still single.

And maybe I’m wallowing a little bit now, but that’s just for effect and explanation. The other night, instead of wallowing, I went shopping with few friends at two shopping malls and had maggi goreng for supper with a friend at 2 a.m. Instead stewing in my aloneness on Monday, I had an enjoyable intelligent discussion with him. I am proud of many of the things I’ve written here today, I’m sure to poke my head around to gush for another update.

Plenty of pretty things happen to us each day, why dont we grab hold of one for now?