:: Completely Incomplete ::

It has been two weeks since my last post. I’ve been going back and forth between posting something or just fading into oblivion not-with-a-bang-but-with-a-whimper style. I’m not ready to quit this just yet. Conversely, I think it is safe to say that I’m only going to be posting sporadically from here on out.

Here is the honest-to-goodness truth. I alternate between contentment with my life, my career, my place and my independence and overwhelming sadness because I want more, because I’m lonely, because I’m worried that this is all there is. If I didn’t know better (and if I didn’t recognize that my problems are far from the serious trials of the mentally ill), I’d think I was bipolar. In all honesty, mine is just run-of-the-mill disappointment in myself and with my priorities. Life is tiring and I tend to walk around dragging self-loathing sadness and bitterness along with me. Pathetic innit?

This feeling is hardly unique. I had a “what if this is the best I ever do?” conversation with a good friend and former colleague I envy for her put-togetherness recently and she has the same basic fears over different things. And just when I think being lonely and depressed is all I’ll be able to muster, something amazing happens and I look up and realize that, hell, if this is as good as it gets – eating soup and sweets and drinking Apple Asam Boi and watching DVDs with Alyssa on a cold, cold night – then I’m damn lucky indeed.

During all of this going back and forth between contentment and disappointment, two big things happened: My best friend got married to a wonderful man last June and my other best friend’s husband was asking about me. (Ain’t gonna elaborate about this today).

A few nights before the wedding, I sat with her on my patio and she told me flat out – in a loving way – that I worked too much, that I don’t let people in and that I busy myself with so many other things that I’ll never slow down long enough to get into a relationship. If being in a relationship is what I want, she told me, something has gotta change about my lifestyle and priorities. I told her later that I wanted to get my life together and become someone who would be a suitable mate, and she then corrected me – I am a suitable mate already, I’m just not putting myself out there, she said. I know she was just being sweet. And that unconditional sweetness from someone who knows more of my flaws than anyone is why I love her and why she’s one of my best friends.

My point? I don’t blog often as I want to was because I don’t want to have an excuse or reason wallow in all of this anymore. I could see where I was headed and the intersection of 30 going on 31 and a busy holiday season should be a place where I seek joy and not where I gather each little anecdote into a larger story about how, yes, Malaysia, I’m still single.

And maybe I’m wallowing a little bit now, but that’s just for effect and explanation. The other night, instead of wallowing, I went shopping with few friends at two shopping malls and had maggi goreng for supper with a friend at 2 a.m. Instead stewing in my aloneness on Monday, I had an enjoyable intelligent discussion with him. I am proud of many of the things I’ve written here today, I’m sure to poke my head around to gush for another update.

Plenty of pretty things happen to us each day, why dont we grab hold of one for now?