:: What Merdeka Really Means To Me ::

Sara Alyssa 1 day old

As Malaysians commemorating our independence day on 31st August every year, I would be celebrating the birth of Sara Alyssa. She was born on the 31st August 2005 as Malaysia was celebrating its 48th Merdeka Day. Merdeka to me is more than a public holiday and parades galore.

After encountered many hurdles during the 9 ½ weeks carrying Alyssa, after ‘playing’ police-and-thief with my ex-hubby around the globe, after so much complications giving birth, I finally have myself a beautiful baby girl.

I could still recall the first time when the doc confirmed that I was pregnant. It’s running like a blu-ray DVD at the back of my mind. Having irregular menses since teenie, I din know that I was actually on my 12th week pregnancy. I din experience those morning sickness at all, therefore, I did not know that I was about to give birth in the next 28 weeks. After the doc declared, the morning sickness played its role. The only food that I could eat was tom-yam then. Bee Hoon Tom Yam to be exact. That's the only food I could consume for about months.

The first time Alyssa moved in my tummy, the night before that, I helped 3 kittens that I found in the drain in my parents backyard. I bathed ‘em and gave ‘em milk. And that very night while I was lying on my bed I felt subtle movements made by her. I cried. For the first time after 5 months of pregnancy, I cried thinking of her future with my 'condition'.

It was about 2 months off after the separation, my ex found out that I was pregnant and he started to call and ask me to get back together. I was so obstinate with my decision. He started to visit me, I started to get suffocated. I had to run away from him. I flew far in hope that he could not come and see me. I stayed with my baby bro Rudy in San Fran for months thought that I could evade from my ex. But he managed to track me down. When I knew that he's in town, I flew 2700 miles to a friend’s house with the help of my good friend William. William had been very patient accompanying me across the states. I'm very grateful for I have a lot of caring friends. Unfortunately, my ex hubby knows most of my friends (morale of the story: don't let your husband know with whom u befriended with), and unfortunately for me too, he managed to trace me. With so much paksa-ing and pujuk-ing… too many tears… I ran away again. This time I ran to another continent, the place where he wasn’t familiar with and the place where I was definite then that he has no one he knows. I wouldn't want to go to details about this now and you guys wouldn't want to know it either.

Simultaneously on this day, the national flag raising, campaign begins throughout the country, on 2005, I was admitted to one of the private hospital in Kuantan. I gave birth in Malaysia, yes. I was on my 35 weeks of pregnancy when my parents came to the rescue. Luckily, my bulging tummy didn't show much, or else I would have been banned from boarding the plane now wouldn't I? A week after landed, I started to have mild contractions. Everything was a first-time for me, but reading helps a lot.

I din have much problem during my 1st and 2nd trimester of the pregnancy but as the tummy grows I suffered from bad back-ache. Sleepless nights and I actually slept while I was sitting. Incredible. I couldn't lie down as I feel like the baby was pressing my rib-cage and I got even harder to breathe.

At around 3am 31st August 2004 I was around 36-37 weeks of pregnancy, I felt something coming out of my birth canal. I knew it was the sign. Woke my parents up and we swooshed off to the hospital. I was given epidural for the pain after I was given a breathing gas. The pain was terrible. I wept. Alyssa hasn't shown any sign of wanting to come out. There was one very conservative midwife who was on shift that night. She asked of my husband where-abouts. My mom had to tell her that she won't be seeing me with one.

It was 6.30 am. I was still in pain. The vagina dilated only about 3-4cm. I heard the doctor's voice outside the labor room. Clearly he said to my parents, 'we have no choice but to do a C-Sec, as the amniotic fluid is drying up and the fear of other complication'. He came in and read me the procedures. My mom was there and since she was a nurse she helped in calming me down. I wasn't panic or anything. I just wanted the pain to go away.

He said that I will be put to spinal block. An Anaesthesiologist will be right beside me. I will be awake thru out the whole procedure and lil I know, I would be holding my baby. I said yes to it.

I had to sit forward while they put the epi in my spine. The middy kept me calmed while i hugged a pillow and she talked me through the whole thing and told me the different sensations I would feel. It did hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. I’d say more uncomfy like a normal needle but hurt a bit more (don't know what it looked like... could not see.) As I said, it wasn't painful, but I guess I have high tolerance in pain.

The doctors had communications with me throughout the procedure. It was the longest 2-hour session in my whole entire life. At 8.10am, I heard the doc said 'She's out' and seconds later I heard Alyssa's voice crying out loud. Very loud. The middy showed her to me and brought her closer so that I could kiss her. There wasn't any blood or anything except that this whitish fluid covered her. It was the happiest moment in my life.

After the whole thing has completed, I could hold Alyssa for the first time. She was soooooo tiny to my touch. 2.75kg. I could never be any happier looking at the baby who has been with me for 36 weeks in my tummy and now she's in my arms. With her, I have gone through a lot being a single mom. But I have never regretted a single second of it.

Happy 4th Birthday Sha!! With you around, I know the real meaning of MERDEKA.