Every weekday, I drop Alyssa off at day-care, since she was 3. She never cried not even once. She was so small then. It's worse when she just says or waves "bye mama". And every day, I get in my car, I drive to the office, I look at her pictures.
And I feel something I haven't felt in a long while. Something in the pit of my stomach. I miss her, mere seconds after I leave her, which is insane! She’s been driving me nuts all night and all morning. Waking her up every morning is a disaster. Sometimes I just wish I could have a break from being a mother.
I remember this feeling. I'm "in love." Understand: I still remember my first kiss. (Everyone feels compelled to say "It was summer baby, yeah… it sure was.”) And some part of us stores the relevant statistics: We were 19. Just came back from summer break, was walking out of N6 towards Giles Lane and he stopped me just in front of Tanglewood, walking form Rutherford to where I was, was rather far: it's green, it's humid, supervision were lazy with the heat and there were places for us to hide. We were so cute. I think it was cute. Quarrelling over a nonsensical thing when he suddenly made his move. It didn't go very far though, but it was more than enough.
That was thirteen years ago. Now I'm a mom. Time hasn't been kind to me though. I have that dried-out look you get from thinking too much, and worry-lines across my forehead. But part of me can still be "in love". "In love" is not lust or like, but an obsession that knows no disappointment. The object of our affections is not really known to us, not yet. You fill your ignorance with hopes and dreams. To love someone unconditionally means that you love the person exactly as they are, exactly as they were before, and exactly as they will be in the future – because people change all the time, so if you love the person, you will love them even if they become something you disagree with.
And (surprise!) I'm "in love" with my Alyssa. At some conscious level I know she will wear me out, break me down, break my heart ... someday, but not yet.
As I type this, she's coiling in bed having her afternoon nap. Its so peaceful to see the one you love sleeps.
Dottie Dottie Dottie
ReplyDeleteYou almost gimme a heart attack.
When you feel the love, you'll write sweetly. I, on the other hand, now feel the opposite emotion. There is pain deep in my chest, now that I feel like going rebel at everything under the sun, but I can't. This tells you why I wanta take rest from blogging. Long time ago, I asked for sleeping pills from my friend. He gave me a bottle of anti-histamine instead. Nice dose of LOVE there, Kak Dots!
ReplyDeleteHeya Fav Stalker, looks like this blog is not suitable for the weak at heart. :P
ReplyDeleteSir, Actifed can put you to sleep in some kinda high. I've read you through and through both when you're sad and glad. I prefer the latter.
ReplyDelete*transferring you some dose of LOVE*
Love,
Kak Dots (sounds like a columnist or somethin')
Love know no boundaries. You love a person of who they are. Even with imperfections.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this.
"Like"
kids... they grow up so fast eyy ?!!!
ReplyDeleteLove for a child is divine. Love for another man or woman. Hmmm.. let me just a say, it's safer for a squirrel to cross the road in a broad daylight.
ReplyDeleteGA,
ReplyDeleteSo you're suggesting that love for another man or woman would be like a black fox crossing the road in the mid of dark night?
One straight line doc, you'll never know when love tiptoes in nor can you deny its power.
Safe or not, its just there and better we embrace it than to never have love at all.
Abu,
ReplyDeleteThey are arent they... especially girls. Puberty just late for boys :P
Birthie,
ReplyDeleteIt knows no Geography too it passes over borders. Langgar sempadan Selangor and Pahang kadang2 terus pergi Siam. :P