:: Derailed ::

“Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I will remember you. If you can only remember with tears, then don't remember me at all.” – Michael Landon (1936 – 1991)

Where to begin, where to begin…

On the Raya eve, I was helping mom in the kitchen with rendang and ketupat when my K580i beeped multiple times. It was around 11.45pm. I knew that those beeps were greetings sent in by friends and families. I was right. All were wishes for Hari Raya. But a message from an unidentified number amongst others caught my attention. I’m good in memorizing number but that one was confidently unfamiliar.

I read the message and it was from Jay. A guy that I built my trust on nearly 2 years ago and he ruined it into pieces. After Alyssa’s dad he was the first man that I made plans with. Before Jay, I dated a Chinese guy (I once blogged about this Chinese guy: "Words I couldnt Say") but it was just a fling because I knew it then that we could never be together as he refused to convert and of course so do I. It was within few days my anger towards him subsided. And we became friends ever since. I don’t let grudges grow inside me.

But it was different with Jay. We made plans, and according to the plan we were supposed to tie the knot on November 2008 but we broke off on December 2007. It’s not much different with the story with Trav. I was still on the prayer mat when I received a call at 6.00 am on fine day in December 2007. After Subh prayer I took the phone and saw his number came up. At 6.00 am I thought it must be something urgent because he never called me that early. I called him up countless times, but he cut the line off. I texted him up and asked him why he called me that early. Nothing from him, not until the afternoon where he asked me if I have had lunch. I asked him again, why he called me up that morning and cut the line off when I called him back. He replied it wasn’t him calling me, it was his wife. Well, ex-wife according to him. My feeling at that moment was indescribable. I had a why-on-earth-would-an-ex-wife-be-doing-in –your-house-at-6-in-the-morning moment. It was too awful for words. And before I could ask for explanation from him, he texted me up and said that he wanted to stop. Stop everything. He dumped me before I could even dump him.

After I broke up with him, I, well we both agreed that we would not attempt to contact each other even though during the first few months after the break offs he still texted me out to asked how am I doin’. We still swapped texts for about a month. But I soon realized how can I move on if I still ‘holding’ on to him? So after few texts I decided not to reply to which he eventually stopped sending me anything. I’ve also deleted his number. It’s one of the ways for me to move on I suppose. And after 2 years, he had to text me on Hari Raya eve with a simple message wishing selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin and at the bottom of the message he has his name, together with his son’s name (with his ex-wife), another girls name (which it wasn’t his ex-wife’s name) and another girl’s name (which I suppose their baby girl). Try as I may, I could never explain why I broke into tears after I read his text. It hurt me to the bone.

What the heck he sent me those for? To show that he’s better off without me? That he found someone new before I could? That he won? Why would he still keep my number after 2 years? Why didn't he just delete it off? Just to get back at me when the right time comes ke? I've deleted his number and I expected he did the same.

It wasn’t his ‘new’ family that disturbed my hari raya celebration. I swear to God! It was his act of sending me a message after two bloody years of silence. After he promised not to contact me again. I wanted to remember all the good things about him; I do not want to remember the scene that I caught him with his ex-wife at 6 am. I could never move on if I keep on thinking bad things about him. That was why I made him to agree or at least respect my request. Like I’ve said, I don’t’ let grudges grow inside me. It’s an ugly thing.

I did not know what his intention was when he texted me the message but I replied his text at around 12.30 midnite. With one short sentence, I said ‘Have a blast Hari Raya’. Just to show him that I wasn’t ‘moved’ by his greetings even though I was.

He shouldn’t have sent me that message, if he wanted me to move on peacefully, he shouldn’t have. I congratulate him for successfully ruined my festive mood.