:: Past Imperfect, Present Tensed ::

I am at a stage where my brain wants to do something but my body says later.

Tired.  Very very tired.  I hardly being in this condition. 

I couldn’t even think straight these cuppla days.

This morning, I stopped my car in front of Alyssa’s school get out of the car without pulling the handbrake.  And the car moved and Alyssa was still in the car.  I could only hear the teachers’ voices screaming saying the car was moving.  I couldn’t even notice a thing.   I was lucky that I have a pair of long legs and managed to run back into the car, stepped on the brake pedal and pulled the handbrake .  Careless I was and this has never happened before. 

Last Thursday I was so busy that I finished my work at around maghrib.  A friend called at around 5.30, I had to make him call me again at around 6.00.  He did.  I asked him if he has performed his Asar and he said he hasn’t.  I asked him to perform his Asar first before calling me again.  And I waited and I waited, but he never called.  Before I reached home I called him from the car but he didn’t answered, I supposed he has left for the surau so I let him be.  I texted him that night but he did not reply.  I knew he was upset then. 

Without failure, still in my busy mode, I managed to call him on Friday only to find that he did not reply to my text nor return my call just because he did not want to disturb me as I have been busy.  And since then he stopped calling or texting.  And until today, I couldn’t help but to think was it that terrible that he had to decide to stop talking to me. 

Friday night I was so tired that I had a terrible gas, excessive vomiting and went flat.  I was rushed to the nearest GP and later referred to the specialist of dehydration.   Was put on 3 bottles of IV salines and peed every 5 minutes.  Man I loathe drips.

It was a difficult week for me.  Utterly.

I am like this, if I did something that upset others, it would effect my whole life.  I was thinking about this matter so hard that I neglected major things around me. 

I was so glad that nothing happened to the car especially to Alyssa.  I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if it does and the best part; her daddy would definitely file a lawsuit and charge that I’m not fit to raise her. Mati la I.   I can’t afford losing her.