:: A Stalk of Rose. Hundreds of Thorns ::

I normally give Alyssa three ringgit a day for her daily allowance.  Nasi lemak at school is 1.50 and nasi ayam is about 2 ringgit, she ate em every alternate days and her must-drink-everyday Vitagen, that'll cost her a ringgit.  And needs extra coins to buy some 'jajan' while waiting for me to fetch her up.

Last Thursday I saw she was holding a stalk of red plastic rose with a small white teddy glued to the stalk in a plastic wrapper.  Asked her where she got that from, she said one of her teachers was selling it and she thought of buying me one.  That flower cost her one ringgit and she did not drink her daily dose of Vitagen because she wanted to buy me flower.  I appreciate her appreciating me. 

On our way back home she was nagging about how she wanted to get me the pink flower but it was sold out.

The next day, she asked for another extra ringgit, and I said this time do not buy anything but food.  But apparently she bought me another flower.  A pink one.  

Now that really ticked me off.  I get even more upset that she spent her allowance on something else rather than food.  And I scolded her.

That weekend during her daddy routine visit she told him everything about how upset I was when she bought me the flower, how I scolded her, how her intention was to tell me that she remembers me.  I unreservedly forgotten that it was mothers day.  Like totally.

And her daddy was upset with me for being upset with her that upset her.  Three upsets on Mother's Day. 

Haih!!! Never have I regretted this much.

Well Happy Mother's Day to all,  it's the most wonderful, terrifying, fulfilling, excruciating job that life has to offer.

:: So the Saying Goes ::

Being nice is good, but too nice is bad.

When you are being too nice, too accommodating, too caring, too tolerating,  people start to take advantage of you.  But how can you not be too nice when saying yes is way easier than saying no?

Haih!!!  I better go and wash my hair. 

:: Replacing Dad ::

"How do you like if I get you a new daddy?"  I asked Alyssa on her way back from school.

"Kenapa dengan daddy sekarang?"  She asked back, just as expected.

"Tak lah, I just wanted to find you a new one aje.  Okay tak?"  Me, fishing.

"Yang  baru ke?" Cutely looked at me and I nodded. "I will get two?"  She showed me the peace sign with her small fingers.  Her momma nodded again.

"Just think Sha.  Nanti bila your birthday comes, you will get more presents.  Best kan?"  Semi stewpid reason I knowwww.

I didnt get any affirmation on that.  I suppose she needs more time to digest to the idea even though I did mention about getting more gifts and stuff.

Okaylah.  I may not know how to put it nicely.  A new Dad.  I d'oh-ed myself too.

What was I thinking?  It does sound like I'm replacing her current Dad.While he doesn't need to be replaced.

ANOTHER Dad.  That should be the word.  

You cannot replace a father.  Once a dad, will always be a dad.  There are things that a dad can do that mommy can't, no matter how good I regard myself and work a little harder to be both dad and mom.  I could never be perfect.

And even though I'll be 'wearing' another man's name.  She will always be wearing her dad's.  Proudly.

So yeah I'm planning to give Alyssa ANOTHER Dad.  Soon.  I hope.  

Well. Any takers?  Anyone? No?

:: How Do I.... ::

The same ol rah-rah stuff we heard each time a blogger wanted to quit was  'how do I stop blogging'.

I thought about it too.  I mean should I just park it?  

Or to completely delete it? 

Or just ignore and abandon it? 

Or to make myself look a little ostentatious, put a redirect link to a 404 error page? 

Or to... boldly say goodbye?

------

When few good bloggers (I fall down before them) decided to quit and announced about it openly, I really kowtow them for having the guts.  You know to write a proper goodbyes and spill out the reason why they are leaving, has never been easy.  At least not for me.  I been contemplating, really, on what to do about this blog.  I came to a point either I continue blogging, or I don't.  And yet I feel torn.

And telling out to your readers your decision, I suppose its very much about complaisance. 

Its not easy to just leave when you know you have people reading you and some are actually waiting for your next post.  Moreover, you have worked your fingers to the bone through blood, sweat and tears (some even cracked their brains out) to post a blog, it does fill the bill knowing that you have good follower(s) that might be reading your stuff, no matter how crappy it is.  I know mine is.  I even reached to an extent that I should write what and how I feel without having consideration how people might like my pot hooks and hangers. 

I mean my stuff in here are not as great as others, I'm not funny, I'm not corky, I'm not brilliant enuf to discuss industriously intelligent affairs.  But I do care about who read my stuff.  A great deal.

A talk with a friend who is a columnist with one of the leading auto magazine yesterday hit me hard.  He's a big-name in his industry, and yet having a second thought about go on writing.
 

And yesterday he said if there's a special Hell for writers, it would be in the great force of the nth thinking of their career.

Well I'm not sure where he got that line from or if he has worked with Hallmark before but, I think he completely meant it.

We don't get very far without nth rethink do we?  Even a professional writer does it.

And we don't get very far without the rah-rah stuff too.

:: I Have Been A Selfish Being ::

A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose.  It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses.

I am not selfish because I want all the things that I want.  But I would be horribly selfish if I wanted the things I want to be the way I wanted them to be.